A Lingering Hug
The picture above is of Fletcher Merkel, one of the two children killed at the school church shooting in Minneapolis literally 10 blocks from my home. There is nothing to say except that when I saw this picture of him it brought home, in the most visceral way, the horror of what happened to him, to the other children, and to the parents and loved ones of the children.
The picture made me long to go back and hug each of my children more when they were young, and it made me wonder just how many missed opportunities I passed up to hug them in the name of my mental urgency machine or the pace of my life that seemed to endlessly demand my attention.
This deep and profound longing for a desire to go back and hug them again and again triggered a memory of a quote from the famous Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh on hugging:
“When we hug, our hearts connect and we know that we are not separate beings. Hugging with mindfulness and concentration can bring reconciliation, healing, understanding, and much happiness.”
Apparently Thich Nhat Hanh wasn't always so enamored with hugs:
"In 1966, a friend took me to the Atlanta Airport. When we were saying good-bye she asked, “Is it all right to hug a Buddhist monk?” In my country, we’re not used to expressing ourselves that way, but I thought, “I’m a Zen teacher. It should be no problem for me to do that.” So I said, “Why not?” and she hugged me, but I was quite stiff. While on the plane, I decided that if I wanted to work with friends in the West, I would have to learn the culture of the West."
Thich did just that by developing "hugging meditation" which he notes is different than the usual American or western hug where you briefly wrap your arms around the other person, add in a pat on the back, and then release. Thich describes it this way:
"You have to really hug the person you are holding. You have to make him or her very real in your arms, not just for the sake of appearances, patting him on the back to pretend you are there, but breathing consciously and hugging with all your body, spirit, and heart. Hugging meditation is a practice of mindfulness. “Breathing in, I know my dear one is in my arms, alive. Breathing out, she is so precious to me.” If you breathe deeply like that, holding the person you love, the energy of your care and appreciation will penetrate into that person and she will be nourished and bloom like a flower."
Thich developed this into an actual meditative practice that you can do with someone you care deeply about:
1. Pause and Be Present. Before hugging, stop for a moment. Become aware that you are about to hold another living being who is precious to you.
2. Take three Conscious Breaths Together. While hugging, breathe mindfully and in unison:
First Breath: Be fully present in the moment. “I am here, and you are here.”
Second Breath: Recognize the preciousness of the other person. “I see you, and you are alive in my arms.”
Third Breath: Appreciate your shared connection. “So wonderful that we are together.”
3. Hold with Awareness. Don’t hug mechanically—hold as if this is the only moment in the world. Feel the other person’s presence, warmth, and shared humanity.
4. Release with Gratitude. Slowly let go, carrying the awareness and love into your next steps. Smile gently as a way of sealing the practice.
I know from first hand experience that this is a powerful practice (especially with the synchrony and feeling of breathing together) that connects two people's souls for a brief moment of bliss (and I do mean bliss).
But here's the thing. You don't need to do a formal hugging meditation with the other person. You can change the hug from a brief docking of bodies by simply breaking the expectation of letting go quickly and lingering until you feel the other person relax and join the party.
Then, if you want, you can whisper in their ear "I love you with all my heart."
